I’d never heard of the term “Mummy War” before yesterday. Apparently it refers to the battle between mums who work and those that don’t. Or between mums who co-sleep and those who don’t. Or between mums who use controlled crying and those that don’t. Or between mums who breastfeed their children for two or more years and those who don’t. Or between mums who vaccinate and those who don’t.
Kerri Sackville wrote in response to the 60 Minutes piece about Attachment Parenting that was screened on the weekend. She was pleading with the media to quit pitting mums against each other and accept that as mums, we are OK with how others parent, even if it is different from what we do.
I agree with her that women generally are OK with what other mothers do. I know loads of mums who do things differently than I do, and that’s fine. There is no war. In fact, there is barely ever any debate about things. In my experience, most mums I know happily hear each other out and are more interested in maintaining a peaceful friendship than challenging a status on co-sleeping, or whatever.
I do think though that healthy debate or discussion (not war) is acceptable. I also think it’s a good thing to look into how you want to parent, and make a conscious decision about the parent you want to be. It can be totally overwhelming, because there is so much information and the goal posts are constantly changing. I think it’s important to look into what is considered normal, and question if it is the best thing for you and your child.
For instance, the whole sleep debate gets me. I sat on the floor of Borders 6 months pregnant reading Tizzy Hall’s Save our Sleep and decided this was the life for me. Once having a child though, routines flew out the window. So did the notion that my child would sleep away from us in another room. And we definitely knew that comfort crying wasn’t for us or our child. We couldn’t leave a little one alone in a room, howling her little head off, while we sat tortured on the other side of the door. Comfort crying (controlled crying) and sleep routines are accepted practice and the majority of parents I know have at some point resorted to this strategy. But just because something is normal, doesn’t mean it has to be right for you or your child. Maybe it’s worth looking into a little more.
The (dare I say the word) vaccination debate is rife in my part of the world. Most parents I know hold strongly onto the fact that they will not vaccinate their babies. Here, we had to go against the grain too. On the eve of the first immunisation appointment, my husband and I sat up researching and debating furiously. There were so many contrary points of view and so many strong opinions against vaccination, it was hard to make a decision. In the end, the literature stacked up on the side of vaccination. And as we ploughed further through it, looking up links, reading articles in full, looking at graphs in their original context etc. we reached a very conclusive decision that vaccination was the way to go, as much as it hurt our souls to take our tiny baby in to have a needle.
So, I think it is (and should be) possible to have a peaceful cup of tea with other mums and talk about the ins and outs of how you reached a particular parenting decision. It’s definitely not a Mummy War – perhaps more an exploration of the parenting landscape…a healthy thing to do. It is only through conversation, investigation and exploration that we can challenge social norms (if we need to) and find the path in the parenting world that best suit us and our children. As Mia Freedman wrote in the editor’s note following Kerri’s article, “when men disagree about something, it’s not called “The Men wars”. It’s just called discussion”.
I do think the “war” angle is played up on such shows to entice viewers. I haven’t really experienced such conflicts with people who I personally associate with, but I then I tend to associate with people who are similar in demeanor to myself – in other words, not pushy or judgemental. However, in online forums, where you might bump into all sorts, yes, I’ve seen the wars.
In terms of partenting, I’m generally OK with anything that anyone does as long as it’s not physically or emotionally damaging to the child.
Yes, you are so right about forums…a thing I have avoided. Once I was (ironically) bullied out of a natural mum’s fb community because I immunise my child. The anger was full on!
It’s a fine line between keeping harmony between us and having the ability to talk freely about what we believe is right for our children.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and experiences.
xx
I’ll give you an example of other “wars” that I have witnessed – VBAC or no VBAC and also medicated birth vs. unmedicated. I saw someone in a mom’s forum get nasty, and I mean NASTY, toward someone who had opted for a second C-section.
From what I saw of the mom’s forum that I was in, these forums tend to have this established pecking order that unsuspecting newbies soon discover. If you’re looking for a supportive community, you won’t find it amongst the mothers who have turned the forum into their own personal sandbox.
That’s a really good point Joyce. Some of those forums and Facebook pages can be lethal. Ironically some of them represent so called nurturing parenting, and yet play out these ideas with such aggression and violence. It’s a shame. But there are helpful ways to talk about these things – I guess we have to find the right forums! Aggression and anger won’t get anyone anywhere. You are so right about the medicated vs unmediated birth and the vbac debate. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts
This was all going so well until you quoted Mia. I have Mia issues that don’t need to come out here.
I think I agree with you. There is an issue with media/personalities magnifying and multiplying conflicts over many of the “live” issues of parenting, but retreating into ‘to each their own’/live and let live/moral relativism (which is how I understand Kerri’s argument) is a step too far.
The way we raise our children (each of us and all of us) is important. I DO CARE. There are better and worse ways to raise children. It’s probably true that no one really knows what those ways are, and that no misstep is all-determining (humans are remarkably adaptable), but—as with life on the whole—a bit of reflection, discussion and debate is important.
I am far more scared of moves to leave people alone in the parenting decisions than I am of a media beat-up that gives the impression that we are incapable of respecting people we disagree with (and that men don’t raise kids).
A few people I know have Mia issues it seems! I only chose to quote her, or all people, because I thought it was a good point to make
I am really grateful for your thoughtful comment. And I am so glad that you care…I do too. And believe it’s important to stand up and talk about what we believe. especially when there is such a strong voice on “the other side”. I suppose the point is that it shouldn’t be about “being at war”. It should be about freely discussing what is right for our children. Of course, what is “right” is relative to each person, but if we talk, we can explore and come to a decision about our choices with greater confidence and knowledge.
Thank you so much again for your very insightful comment.
xx
I don’t think there are wars necessarily, but I do think people who aren’t confident in their ability to choose what’s right for their family are vulnerable against those who have very strong points of view.
I couldn’t care less what anyone else does and if anyone wants to question the way I do things they are more than welcome to! I have the confidence to know that what I do is correct for us.
I have been in your shoes, Kate…once harangued by a group of natural mothers for choosing to immunise. I guess, like the previous commenter, I do really care about the choices we make for our children…as there are ways to raise children that are more beneficial to their well-being than others. But, I hope most mothers have the confidence and the security that you do…you have obviously looked into your options, made your decisions and know they are right for you.
Thanks so much Kate for writing
xx
Hmmmm I don’t get it either. I don’t know 2 mothers who parent exactly the same. Really, how could we?! We all have different experiences, values, knowledge, influences and philosophies! I have many friends who make similar choices to us, as well as friends who don’t. I believe in friendly conversation… even debate I’m fine with – mainly because if it’s not had in a bitter and harsh way, it often opens my mind to a different side that perhaps I hadn’t seen – and that all contributes to the idea of informed choice. The problem being though, that many people assume that because you haven’t made the same choice as them, they think you’re obviously not informed! How do people draw that conclusion?! We need to remember that research isn’t the only influencing factor for choices! I have a funny feeling the term ‘mummy wars’ stemmed from some form of media exaggeration!
Is that a contradiction because, after all, she too is just sharing her ‘mummy opinion’?!
PS. I also have Mia issues
Such a worthwhile point to make Alexandra – that having an honest and peaceful discussion helps open our minds to another point of view, and perhaps to new information. You are so right that the problem comes down to how we approach it – if we approach discussion defensively, and condemn other women for making the choices they have, we aren’t being fair or responsible. We need to engage openly…
Thank you so much for contributing your beautiful insight. xx
Within my group of friends we are always offering advice and sharing our strategies for sleeping, toilet training, discipline etc. Unfortunately one of our girlfriends mistook this for us trying to tell her how to raise her child and it caused a big falling out.
Sometimes I think topics or issues are brought up with the right intention but are received wrong.
As I told a girl at work yesterday, when it comes to parenting everyone wants to give you their two cents, you just need to sift through and find what works for you.
Hi Taneesha. Thanks for coming by and sharing your experiences.
That is the beauty of having a group of friends to talk with, isn’t it? It becomes a bit of a collaborative experience. I don’t know where I would be without my mum’s group!
I’m sorry you had the experience you had with your friend…Parenting issues can get very heated – it’s all so easy to take personally. Maybe that’s why the media have labelled discussions as wars – everyone has themselves and the well-being of their children on the line. The stakes are high.
You are so right…take it or leave it when it comes to advice
I think this is one of those “wars” we are told is happening, and then find ourselves fighting only because we were thrown into it by people trying to cause an uproar. Sounds like most mothers aren’t willing to join the battle though, which is definitely a good thing for parenting (terrible thing for the media).
I feel very strongly about the way I raise my children, and what I allow into their minds/bodies. Every able mother must be making the most informed choices she can about what is best for her children and her family’s lifestyle. Even when mothers do things differently than I do I try my hardest not to be judgmental.
If mothers are just doing things because the socially acceptable way then I feel sad for their inability to make their own decision, but still, to each her own. Most of us are trying to do the best we can with what we know!
I agree with you Jet. The best we can do is be unjudgemental about what others do…I just get frustrated by mainstream ideas that people get caught up with, which don’t necessarily benefit the children. The 60 minute episode about attachment parenting was so negative, really, which is a shame because attachment parenting is so beneficial for children…it’s partly why I write this blog, to counter pose some of those ideas that are generated in mass media… Anyway, rant over. Thanks so much for contributing xx
I also meant to say in response to this that of course everyone finds their own path depending on their culture and subculture, and where they go to for information…that’s why we need to be able to find peaceful forums in which to discuss these topics, where people and ideas aren’t polarised.
I’m so happy to not have cable! What bad things could possibly be said about attachment parenting? Ugh….forget I asked! I guess the idea is to get us AP parents defensive in the first place and I am not feeding into the media’s mind games. Still, it is disturbing that when they cannot create a significant buzz about other things they go and attack mommys! Sheesh! We’re ONLY trying to bring up the world’s next generation you know, lol, so obviously we’d be trying to ruin them somehow. Goodness me. It’s always something! *End Rant*
I know what you mean Jet. Enough to make you MAD! Don’t ever watch the 60 Minutes episode…I just read the transcript and could hear the tone through the words. It was enough.
I got my back up watching “The Slap” which was a bit of a Aussie hit drama series about a family friend smacking another person’s child. It focussed on all the different perspectives, and was meant to be fairly neutral ground. But I felt that the woman who was practicing attachment parenting was portrayed in such a negative light, it obviously wasn’t a neutral stance, but a slight against attachment parenting. And like you, I ask WHY?
I’ve definitely felt the mummy wars, but more with the gen above than my peers. I have a lovely mumma’s group and playgroup, and have discovered many different ways of parenting. I have found myself silently judging at times (smacking gets to me) and still don’t feel entirely comfortable contradicting another’s point of view. Most of the time though, it’s just nice to see so many parents and children forging their own paths… It seems intuitive.
What a lovely point. I feel similarly. The mother’s group is such a great forum to collaborate and share. I too have trouble speaking up or contradicting in “real life” – I sat and silently listened to a woman at a playground proudly speak about smacking her children, and didn’t have the guts to say anything. But maybe our diplomacy is also a good thing in some ways! I hope women will be able to find supportive and nurturing groups where they can share what they learn and talk about it in an open and tolerant way – wouldn’t this be great?
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