“And how are you?” said Winnie-the Pooh.
Eeyore shook his head from side to side.
“Not very how,” he said. “I don’t seem to have felt at all how for a long time.” From Winnie-the-Pooh, A.A. Milne.
This Thursday 13th September is RU OK Day, a national day of action that inspires people to ask a simple question of those around them. Are you OK?
Sometimes a question is all that it takes.
It’s been a year ago since we lost a friend to suicide. A beautiful girl my age, so intelligent and creative and inspiring. Her life was so filled with pain, though, and I suppose on that day, there seemed to be only one answer.
One day is all it takes.
I have spent the last few months working for Lifeline as a telephone crisis support person. I took many suicide calls – people at the brink of despair, clinging on to life, and calling the only number they had at hand. Thank goodness they reached out.
Sometimes a conversation is all it takes.
I have trodden that worn track. The track of despair. I spent years 12 to 22 in bouts of misery and desperation. I struggled with a messy mind, harsh thoughts about myself and deep, empty moods. These moods and these thoughts chased me and hounded me. But I was good at expressing myself, so I emptied buckets of these thoughts and mood eclipses into diaries and conversations with my mum, who was always available to listen.
After taking antidepressants for a year or so, seeking counselling and doing meditation, my inner self mended and I was at last whole in myself. I enjoyed a sunny day. I laughed genuinely with friends. I could love myself. The constant negative whir of thoughts was finally silenced. I could hear myself think.
When I was pregnant with Elka, I worried about my past tendencies and where my mind would take me. I knew that I was at risk of developing postnatal depression. So I surrounded myself with support and nourishment. I was careful never to feel depleted. I walked daily. I slept when I could. I made an effort to connect with other parents. When I struggled, I asked for help. Thankfully, I didn’t experience PND.
Not everyone is so lucky.
Postnatal depression affects one in seven women following the birth of a child. Forty percent of these women begin to experience symptoms in pregnancy. Postnatal depression describes the prolonged and severe symptoms of depression that last longer than a week or two and affect normal functioning. It is very real, and affects many.
There is no specific recipe for developing PND. Risk factors include a history of depression, stressful life events, a baby that is difficult to settle, personality factors, like anxiety and insufficient support networks. Symptoms include loss of enjoyment in things, low self-esteem, a sense of hopelessness…a wish to die.
Sometimes the symptoms can be disguised. Some women are fearful of being detected. Being found to be a bad mother. An unhappy mother. Guilt interweaves with sadness, melancholy and stress. The effect can be devastating.
You may not know somebody is struggling, until you ask.
Thankfully, we live in an age when people are talking about PND. They are also beginning to talk about men who experience PND. Social networks are forming; awareness is being raised; there are many on-line forums for people who experience PND symptoms. PANDA, Blackdog Institute and Beyond Blue are three prominent organisations in Australia, which are striving to educate people about PND and offer guidance and support. Campaigns like RU OK are asking the question.
There is no one solution. There are options, though, and support is available. Parents don’t need to suffer in isolation. They don’t need to reach the brink of despair. When we ask Ask you OK? we are reaching out to those who need our support. Perhaps it is the branch they need.
For RU OK Day this Thursday, please ask, Are you OK? Let’s offer support to those who are struggling. Support can make all the difference to someone’s life.
Please come and join my community at Heart Mama on Facebook.
{Linking with Jess at Diary of a SAHM for I Blog On Tuesdays.}
Lovely thoughtful post. Rachel x
#teamIBOT was here
Thanks Rachel. xx
Thank you for sharing this post, powerful and thoughtful.
Thank you Ames. It is so nice to hear your thoughts.
What a beautifully written post! Thanks for sharing your story – and for providing a platform to get people talking!
Thank you Mel. It’s important that people feel safe and able to discuss these things. x
Great post. You’re so right that sometimes all you need is someone to ask if everything is alright.
Thanks Kevin
what a great post!!
Yes definitely going to ask a few people if they R OK 
That’s wonderful Yvette. You will make a difference. x
Thanks Zanni
Depression is an illness and it can be cured. Thanks for helping to get that message out there.
Love Mumabulous
Such an honest an true post Zanni. It isso inspiring to read your triumph in coming out of your dark place. I know many people will feel inspired just reading this post. We need to all ask a little more, are you okay? xx
Thank you Tahlia. Your words mean a lot to me. xx
We have so much in common! I was really worried about PND because I also experienced bouts of depression and anxiety in my late teens/early twenties. Sadly, I also lost a friend to suicide. You write so beautifully. x
Thank you Catherine. It’s nice to know there is a kindred spirit out there. I loved your post today as well. xx
Thank you for sharing. I had a cousin take his own life two years ago, and I’ve never had a more devastating day in my life. Thank you for giving back to help those in need.
That is so sad Brianna. I am so sorry for the loss of your cousin’s life. There is nothing more tragic. Love to you and your family x
Thank you, Zanni. I will always continue to pray for those in that much pain. xx
Very thoughtful, Zan. Pooh expresses himself so much better than we seem to be able to sometimes!! Loved it! Martixx
Thanks Marti. I have been looking for a place to use that line. It’s one of my favourites! x
Beautiful post Zanni and such an important one. Thanks for sharing. Xxx
Thanks for sharing this, Zanni. Our church lost a beautiful, creative vibrant young girl to suicide last year. Next week it would’ve been her 25th birthday.
RUOK Day is so important for all of us. Even those who haven’t been directly affected by depression.
That is so tragic Grace. The loss of any life, let alone a young life, is so tragic under such circumstances. I am sure her death touched many. Thank you for sharing. x
We all need to realise that everyone can hurt, everyone can hide, everyone has gone, is going, or will go through something aweful at one stage or another where they feel they can’t or aren’t coping. R U Ok day is so so important.. I wish everyone didnt just need the day brought to their attention before they ask the question.
Thanks for sharing this x
Absolutely Meagan. I suppose a national day is a reminder to us though, as we go about our busy lives, head down bums up, looking after our lot and our plot. We are lucky to live in an age when these things are talked about more openly.
Couldn’t agree more !
Thank you for sharing your story. All it takes is for someone to ask you a simple question and to listen.
Pingback: Postnatal Depression: “Not very how…” « A Write Relief… (for PND)
Hi Zanni… I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve actually re-posted about your blog post on my blog (I’ve included the link below). You approach to R U OK Day was both touching and thoughtful. Particularly for me, as I do suffer PND and know the difference those little efforts and words can make. Thanks so much. xx
http://awriterelief.wordpress.com/2012/10/02/postnatal-depression-not-very-how/
Thank you. I am honoured to be included in your post. It is beautiful. I am so pleased that you are doing what you are doing, and writing what you are writing. It is so incredibly important. And it’s nice to find you here. x
I’m sure I suffered PND with my first born but coming from a background that didn’t really understand or even recognise such a thing, I was not supported. I plan to write a blog about PND and the experience I had. Wonderful blog xx
You should. It’s so important to share personal experiences; it helps engage others and spread the message. I am sorry to hear your PND wasn’t identified and you did not receive the support you needed at the time. Others will be grateful to learn from your experience. Thank you for finding me. x
Heartfelt and emotional. Thanks Zanni, you have reminded me to ask the question “Are you ok?” And to ask it of close friends as sometimes I forget that although you may ask them how they are, it is important to ask “So how are you really?”.
Totally Janine. People are often good at holding cards close…
x