On my way to the polling booth two weekends ago, I bumped into a friend whose baby is now six months old. She carried the little bundle in her Ergo, a broad-brimmed hat shaded her smiling face and her baby’s delicate head.
After exchanging a few pleasantries, we reached the sleep issue. And if you have ever had a six month old baby, or a twelve month old baby or any baby for that matter, it is likely that, when bumping into a friend who also has a baby, you will veer towards the topic of sleep eventually.
She told me how she had been to the Tresillian Family Care Centre to resolve all her sleeping issues, and stood by, dis-empowered and appalled as a well-intentioned support person rocked her baby furiously to nursery rhymes, that blared from a TV in the room. Her baby screamed, tears rolling down its red cheeks. The well-intentioned support person continued to rock with vigour. Sleep was not achieved.
She put her exhausted baby in the Ergo, and walked away.
I have been there too. The same centre. The same experience. Like my friend, I was desperately seeking a solution for getting my baby to sleep. I had read in books that babies need to nap constantly, and stay asleep for two hours minimum to develop properly. My baby slept 20 minutes; 40 minutes tops. I had visions of her little brain disintegrating with lack of proper sleep. Her howls confirmed my irrational belief. My baby couldn’t sleep, and was damaging herself. I had to take control of the situation and change it.
My husband kindly supported my decisions; he reserved his own judgement and feelings because he trusted my role as mother. But when I left the Tresillian centre, defeated, fearful, he reassured me. Don’t worry about it. We’ll just carry her. She sleeps that way.
And so we tucked her away in the sling, and she happily slept. 20 minutes; 40 minutes tops. I talked to other people, and was constantly reassured that this was normal. Some babies can do a marathon. Others sleep in sprints. We had a sprinter.
On accepting the Way Things Were, I relaxed into my role as a mother, and life became easier. At night, I would rock our darling for what seemed like hours, her head resting in the crook of my elbow, singing Hallelujah for the sixteenth time in a row. During the day, I marched the hills of Lismore in the summer heat, wearing the sling. I didn’t dread it. It just was what it was.
The day sleeps continued as such until recently – with my ever-growing mound, I had to at last abandon the sling, and Elka happily decided never to day-sleep again.
At night, I went from rocking to breastfeeding at night. The distant echo of Tizzy Hall and other such sleep gurus rang in my ears - You are making it harder for your baby to sleep because you are giving her a sleep aid. She will never be able to learn to sleep on her own if you continue. Babies need to be taught how to sleep unaided. But in my laziness, I continued. Breastfeeding to sleep was easy. More than that, it was enjoyable. I was relaxed, because of happy oxytocin hormones, and Elka was happy, because of my magic breast milk.
When I gave up breastfeeding after 15 months, I worried about how to get Elka to sleep, unaided. After all, she is a very strong-willed character, and doesn’t accept ‘no’ easily. But, it was easy. I just lay with her, whispering stories about rainbows and cloud fairies. She fell asleep, her hand on my face. The first night she woke a couple of times. The next she woke once, and fell straight back asleep. The third she slept right through. She has done so ever since.
Recently, a research article was published in the APP’s journal Pediatrics, which presented findings that no long-term damage was found following sleep training. The article was picked up and circulated widely, validating the popular sleep training methods that are used and advocated by many parents and professionals.
However, the findings of the research are not conclusive. Author Sarah Ockwell-Smith lists serious methodology issues, and questions that haven’t been answered by the study. For instance, sleep problems were parent reported, and the sleep problems were undefined. How do you quantify a sleep problem? What is a problem for one person, may not be a problem for the next. The research sample was selected by the researchers. Also, the sample who were in the sleep training group had to be OK with sleep training techniques being used – this fact alone may reflect other parenting choices, and would have impacted parents’ responses when self-reporting on the results of the training. Sarah also questions why cortisol levels were tested when the child was six, and not at the time of sleep training.
People are talking about sleep training, and it’s an important topic.
My view and experience is that although sleep training methods are popular, and widely used, they do not suit every baby and every parent. When she was an infant, we couldn’t close the door on our child when she cried out for us. We wanted her to know we were there, and that her cries were heard. We didn’t want her to give up. To feel defeated. We wanted her to know that she could trust us, and trust the world.
The sleep issue was so hard at times, especially as the responsibility fell mainly on my shoulders. Some nights I lay there with my daughter, crying on the inside. Why me? Why so long? Why can’t she just Go To Sleep?
But like all things in life, her sleep patterns changed. Now, as a toddler, she is a dream. At seven, she goes to bed. I lie with her for about five minutes, and she is fast asleep. I creep away. She sleeps all night long, and wakes up beside us the next morning with scruffy hair and a big smile.
At the time, it seemed like forever, but really it went by so fast.
By allowing my daughter to find her own sleep niche without training has given me the gift of patience, a toddler who sleeps beautifully and long, relaxing cuddles in the dark. I cherish the time I spend with her, as we lie together. And I am grateful that although she wasn’t a dream sleeper as a baby, I was able to open up my heart and allow her to change me, rather than the other way around.
Babies don’t necessarily sleep easily. But I don’t think they should be forced to. I don’t accept the common belief that babies need to be taught how to sleep. I think they will learn in their own time. By adjusting our own expectations, relinquishing control, and with patience, sleep will, at last be achieved.
Please join me at the Heart Mama community on Facebook.
{linking with Grace for Flog Your Blog Friday.}
My son was that way, never sleeping through the night until he was 9 months old, and even then not every night. Everything “they” say you should do didn’t work with him. When my daughter was born I braced myself for sleepless nights, and wouldn’t you know it, she was a dream! I nursed her till she decided she was full and ready to go back to sleep. I’m lucky I had him first, when I had nothing else to do!
Something else I love about your blog is that it is a window into family life in another country. I’ve never heard of a family care centre before. What else do they do?
Hi Joyce,
Your comments are always so validating! Every child is so unique aren’t they? The rules so often don’t apply!
The Family Care Centres generally provide advice and support to families of young children – sleeping, nursing etc. Mostly I know our local centre is used for sleep support for infants and toddlers. So many people I know have at some point been there in desperation looking for answers. They are very supportive generally. They also have a family support network centre in our local area. One of the services they offer, which I think is so fantastic, is post-natal support – where a volunteer can come to your house once a week for a couple of hours to support you with housey tasks, and children and give you company, if you find you are struggling.
I love this. Thank you for sharing. I, too had an awful experience at a Melbourne sleep school. I was lucky enough to have a phone chat to Pinky McKay yesterday and she was appalled by what I had to tell her about what happened. I think it is so difficult as a first time mum. We have all these expectations which society feeds us, and so somewhere in the back of our heads, a child gets to around 6 months and we start to get dismayed as to why they’re not sleeping as well as they should be. When really, there should BE no expectation at this age, and furthermore they have only been in this big world for 6 months! Poor little precious things. They still need their mums and they cry because they need you. I have learnt so much this year, the hard way. I can’t wait to be more relaxed with my next little bundle of joy. I will feed, cuddle, love him/her to sleep anyway I like and not once will I feel guilty about it.
Yes, it’s promising, Angela, to know we can do it all again, and be more relaxed about things next time. I guess everything is a learning experience. I am glad that you were able to speak to Pinky and get some helpful feedback. Sometimes all we need is to hear someone verbalise what we already know. Heading over to your blog now to read your post.
x
Wonderful Zanni. Grace was a cat napper too and I read all the sleep books – but CC just wasn’t for us. I read that study recently and had lots of questions as it seemed highly contradictory of other studies I’ve read.
At the end of the day I believe we have to trust ourselves to make the right decisions for our own circumstances.
I’m past that stage thankfully and had no issues with my daughters sleep, but I wouldn’t have been able to survive if I had as I had to go to work early to pay for us as its only me and my darling. I feel so grateful that I was given what I could cope with. It sounds like you have a fabulous supportive hubbie who helped you cope too until it was worked out. Well done its a lovely post.
I am so glad you got what you needed too…It’s like our children have a sixth sense for our needs. x
mmm sleepless nights..
My lil man slept for no more than 3 hours since he was born… before waking up and requiring a full bottle. (BF did not work). He had silent reflux so I then had to pat his back for 30 mins before putting him back to sleep to make sure he doesn’t wake up and scream the house down.
it was only when he was 14 months old that he actually slept through the night.
Now I get up maybe once around 3-4am..
popped over from FYBF
I am glad you got there (he got there) in the end Yvette. For me 15 months of broken sleep seemed like forever at the time, but now I barely remember it. In fact, I remember being quite OK with it at the time, but thinking my daughter should be sleeping through, because all other babies were. I have since learned there are no shoulds!
I have been looking into sleep schools for my daughter and I. She is 15months old and has never slept through. Well that is never slept through for me. Apparently she slept from 7pm till 7am when she stayed at my mum’s house. I read your article the other day on Mumgo, you reassured me that she just has a yearning for her mother. We have co-slept from day one. Yes it is hard at times but I love her cuddles. Maybe one day she will eventually sleep through. I know that I could do with it about now!
Prue x
It feels like it will never happen Prue, but it will! And it sounds like you are doing such a wonderful job with her. Elka didn’t sleep through til after she stopped breast feeding at 15 months. Some kids have broken sleep until they are much older. Making sleep a positive experience though is so worth while in the end, I believe.
Thanks for coming by x
This is a lovely post. I think different methods work for different families and each of us has to do what we think best, but I agree that forcing kids to fit your preferred/desired lifestyle doesn’t always work. We have 3 kids and we’ve done things a little differently with each. We’ve made a few mistakes and had a few successes – we’re always still learning as they grow and change and start making their own choices. I have absolutely hated the phases when none of us were getting enough sleep – it makes everything else in the day very hard – but then again none of these phases lasts forever. I love your comments about allowing the baby to change you/adjusting your expectations. Very refreshing perspective. I’m visiting from FYBF
I have two cat nappers here. One is 4 and the other One and we too are sling carriers and rockers and singers and lay down withers. But it works for us and that’s what’s important
That’s it Renay! x
I don’t have kids of my own so it’s hard to comment on this one. But it seems that some methods work with some kids and not others. Every kid is very different and if you focus too much on the “expected milestones” that they’re supposed to reach by a certain age then it only stresses you out. Glad you’ve got it all worked out now!
I found you via Awesomely Awake and I am so glad I did. I found that not forcing my daughter to sleep all night has worked for us. We have silly time together before bed, read, talk about our day and listen to music while we lie down. Doing this every night has helped her sleep better even though there are a few nights she may wake up looking for me. For the most part she wakes up happy and makes the rest of her day better. Love your writing and your spirit!
Lovely Alma! It sounds like a beautiful experience. It’s so nice to meet you, and thank you for coming by. xx
Pingback: Tiny Human Beings Create Adult Human Zombies….. A few desperate words on baby sleep. « Keeping Up With The Holsbys
And I love your blog too! I think your voice is very witty and entertaining. Refreshing. x
I had a similar experience with sleep, although I didn’t get all the way to Tresillian. I read a few books all of which had different advice, I asked my early childhood nurse if she had kids and she said, ‘no’, so I figured I could safely ignore anything she had to say about sleep and then I gave myself permission to do whatever works for me, which was carry, breastfeed and co-sleep. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when I didn’t feel like I had to teach my baby to sleep. Life became so much easier and I enjoyed my baby so much more. I remember feeling resentful about the time I missed out on while trying to do the ‘right thing’ but also grateful that it didn’t take me very long to give up on the whole teach-to-sleep thing.
Sounds so familiar Tat! I am glad you got where you needed to be in the end. xx
Awww, what a beautiful post, and so true! I had the same issue with our first regarding sleep but am so much more relaxed with our second. The topic of sleep is so emotional and polarising. I’m glad you have found a wonderful way to help your bub get to sleep. And when she’s 16, you’ll be wishing she’d bloody well wake UP before noon. Beautiful blog – I’ll be back (Sorry. Did that make me sound like The Terminator?) Kx
Not at all Kimberley! I hope you will be back
x
Pingback: Mr T’s big, fat ‘F’ for Sleep School | School of Mum