Self compassion. Self love. Friend to self.
When I was growing up, and Becoming Adult, the thing which was emphasised was self-esteem – perceiving yourself in a positive way. Cultivate self-esteem. Nurture self-esteem. Know that you are a good person and you can be successful. Our parents read books on the stuff, and we were encouraged to believe we could be the best person we could be.
Lately, I have been thinking about self-love, instead of self-esteem. How you perceive yourself is important. But how your treat yourself and how you talk to yourself will directly affect your experience of the world.
How do you talk to yourself?
If you have ever watched a Woody Allen film, like Annie Hall, you will remember the endless mind chatter that goes on in the main character’s head. Negative verbal diarrhoea. Many of us have it. I am not good enough. I am a failure. I am not worthy of love. I did something wrong. I upset someone…
Until recent years, my mind was a train park of irrational, destructive thoughts. All About Me. I suck. I am not worthy. Nobody loves me. The chatter was relentless. Some days I would slap the sides of my head to make it go away.
I was no friend to me.
I read an article this week in Scientific American Mind about self compassion. The article talks about the importance of self-compassion…for health, longevity, for surviving hardships and dealing with crises. Self compassion is self-love. It is treating yourself as you would a friend.
How do you treat your friends? Do you tell them they suck? They are failures? They are not worthy of love? That nobody loves them?
No…I didn’t think so. I can’t imagine anyone who reads this blog saying this to someone they know. And yet so many of us say these things to ourselves.
We also say: I am a bad mother. I am horrible to my children. I am a bad wife or a bad partner. Again, these a things we wouldn’t say to our friends. We wouldn’t think them.
I believe that self compassion is the road to love. If we practice talking to ourselves with kindness and love, we will turn that love and kindness to others. Our husbands, our partners, our children, our friends, our family.
It works both ways. If we talk kindly to others – our children, our partners, our friends and family – we feel good in ourselves and our kindness is internalised. We feel kind towards ourselves.
Self compassion and self nourishment isn’t necessarily about getting a massage or a pedicure, although these things may help. We can nourish ourselves simply by accepting who we are. Taking the reins off, and giving ourselves a break. We can sit down with ourselves, have a cup of tea, hear about our day, and feel warmth towards ourselves…in the way we do with a friend.
I hope all of you beautiful mamas and readers of this blog will find it in your hearts to be kind to yourselves. Befriend yourselves. Give yourselves a hug.
Nourishing You is the beginning of nourishing your children. Here at Heart Mama, I hope for children around the world to be nourished with love, tenderness and sunshine. Hugging yourself is a great place to start.
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Incredible photo and very thoughtful reminder to be kinder to ourselves. Lovely post.
Thank you xx
That photo is gorgeous
I am my own worst critic and you are right, the talk I give myself, I would never dream of thinking/saying to friends. I was brought up not to ‘big note’ myself, but I think this has caused me to go the other way with my thoughts. I only hope that I can install in my kids that the most important thing is for them to love themselves first and formost. Great post 
Hello from #teamIBOT
Yes, I had a similar upbringing. Our mantra was “Don’t think you are too good”. I am learning that to be a happier person though and have better relationships, it’s so important to befriend yourself. Thanks for stopping by. x
So much truth here Zanni. I’m getting a lot better at banishing the negative talk from my head, but still trying to be realistic. So instead of saying ‘you’re a bad mum,’ telling myself, ‘you could have done that better.’ We need to be aware of our failings as much as we embrace or successes, so that we can continue to improve ourselves.
This post really spoke to me, my husband only reminded me a day or two ago that I need to stop disliking myself so much. I spend all day telling my children how wonderful/smart/creative/all-round-awesome they are…then all night hating on their mama. Today, I WILL be kind to me. Thanks for the reminder.
I love this post Zanni. So true. So honest and loving ourselves is so important. I am actually just writing a post on relaxing and the importance of giving ourselves some relaxing time x
I look forward to reading it Tahlia. x
This is such a true post. Self esteem or self love is something I have struggled with, right from childhood. I did slowly start to get better, and then it all went a little crazy again. Thanks for this post. xx
You’re welcome…I hope you find you are able to tap into that self love again, and take heart from the progress you made last time. Lots of love and hugs. x
This is great Zanni. I love the idea of treating yourself as you would a friend. I am going to try that. I try so hard to encourage my friends and family and for some reason I forget to do the same with myself,
It’s easy to do Julia! Somehow, we put ourselves out of the friendship equation, when really to be a great friend, a great lover, a great partner, a great mother, befriending ourselves is so incredibly important. Best of luck! x
I love this post Zanni. I carried that negative self talk for many years before I learned the antidote. Before giving up work to stay at home with my babies I worked in the field of personal development, so this topic is close to my heart x
I’m glad you enjoyed it Catherine, and thank you again for sharing it.
x
This is such an important post. I don’t know why we can be so hard on ourselves. For me, it’s an everyday task to fight against this little destructive voice inside my head.
Every day. It’s so great to be aware of it.
You have really given me something to think about Zanni. I would never in a million years tell a friend any of the things that I tell myself daily. My mother has always been a really insecure person, talking about her failings to us and I never, ever want my children to hear that sort of talk from me. I guess the only way to stop that from happening is to find a way to quiet down that negative voice that often questions a lot of the things I do. Deep down I know I am a good Mum and that my children are loved, safe and happy, but I do constantly question my actions and decisions. I think it is time for that cup of tea and a chat with myself!
Good on you Sim! I hope you enjoyed your cuppa and you and you had a great chat, and reflected on how marvellously you are doing as a mum. x
Lovely post. Thanks for this post!
You’re welcome Lisa. Thanks for stopping by.
Love that photo! Thanks for the reminder to be kind to myself. You’re absolutely right, I would never say bad things to a friend so why the hell do I say it to me!! You’d think it was a no brainer, stop, stop, stop I will be answering my negative thoughts now, and think of this post
You’re welcome Alicia. I hope you were able to see yourself as a friend today, and it helped. x
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