Eve, meaning life. Living.
You wouldn’t think it, initially, but with every birth comes grief.
Day three, following the labour, is notorious. It is the day when the milk comes in, which can inspire all kinds of infant behaviour. It is also when the high from labour wears off, and the mother slowly begins to sink into the reality of her new predicament.
Grief.
When Elka was born, day three took me to a dark place. I couldn’t stop crying. I missed my life before child. I longed for my relationship with my husband to be as it was before her birth. I grieved for a life I no longer had.
Grief and change walk hand in hand.
Day three after Eve’s birth, I also grieved my previous life. I grieved my close relationship with Elka. Lying in bed beside her, cuddled up. Our simple, unrestrained, pure love for each other. Things aren’t so simple any more.
Tuesday night, Eve fell asleep with her daddy so I was able to take Elka to bed. I lay beside her, tears in my eyes.
It had only been one night, but I missed this so much my heart hurt.
There was three, now there are four.
Elka has been the most amazing and accommodating big sister. I wasn’t overly worried about her transition into sisterhood, knowing her sweet and generous personality.
Evidence of this was the moment she met Eve…running through the front door. The baby came out! she cried. My mother bought a present just for Elka, so she too would feel special and included. On opening it, Elka said, Look Mama, a present for me to share with Eve.
So sweet. So accommodating.
On Wednesday night, I thought I would be able to put Elka to bed, because Eve had fallen asleep. Part way through our going-to-sleep routine, Eve began to cry. Greg bought her into us. Sorry sweetheart, I said, Mummy has to feed Eve. To which Elka replied. It’s OK, Mama. Go. I will lie here with Daddy.
So sweet. So accommodating.
With birth comes change. With change comes grief. With change comes life.
Elka, meaning noble, has embraced Eve, meaning life in a way that makes my heart sing. I grieve for my time with Elka, but I am filled with warmth as I think about how these two beautiful girls will grow together, and so enrich our lives.
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Beautifully expressed. I totally understand x
Such a sweet post. I can almost feel that grief you’re feeling. I can certainly remember it. I love your honesty and your ability to express the mood which change brings. Elka sounds like a real darling heart. A great big sister she will be.
I remember that third day… Will come again for me very soon. Hugs xxx
I remember it too, Amy was 8 so less attached in that baby way. Two is more complex, I feel Jake and I have never had the unabashed adoration you enjoy with a baby and young child without a cynical observer and auditor of my love for each child. that would be Amy. I resent that. Amy had so * much* for so long but all that counts is the here and now. I point this out but the moment is still tainted.
Beautiful words Zanni, so touching and a pure expression of how you are feeling, I felt some tears well up as I imagined what I am soon to experience also.
Brought tears to my eyes Zanni, so beautiful. You’ve articulated what so many mothers (including myself) have felt so well. Elka sounds like a darling. Noble, embracing life… I love it xx
I was also worried about the introduction of a new and demanding being into the family and anticipated the guilt that I would feel over taking time away from my son. I shouldn’t have, though…he was so in love with the baby from the start, and she became one with our family immediately. The rivalry has only now started, as she is old enough to assert herself and generally make herself a nuisance to her brother on a regular basis =)
Beautiful Zanni! Can’t wait to see my gorgeous girls. Mumxx
This is so beautiful Zanni and totally sums up how I felt when my newest baby was born 6 months ago. Love your writing x
Thanks Julia. xx
Its so hard to have a balance between all the kids. If the kids seem really accomodating and have a little bit of an understanding it makes it easier.
Beautiful post.
Congratulations on the birth of Eve.
What adorable girls you have.
Just gorgeous. Congratulations on the birth of Eve.
Beautifully written. xxx
I’m starting to realise how much we grieve as mothers. On my third day I grieved that I hadn’t had the birth I wanted, that I had missed hours of my son’s new life. Just yesterday, I saw a younger baby than him, and grieved that the just born stage was over.
This was a beautiful post and I’m so glad I read it
Ah! I know this grief. I teared up reading this post. My girl was 21 months old when our bubba boy arrived. Still such a baby. I miss the times I had just with her. The cuddling her to sleep. The holding her hand in the dark of night. The undivided attention I could give her through the day. It has been a time of adjustment for all of us, this last 7 months. So precious, our wee ones
Yes, that’s what it is – adjustment. All change takes time to get our head around.
I’ve been a Mummy for just shy of 14 years. Four beautiful children. But I am still grieving lol. Just a little little bit. I have absolutely no recollection what my life was like before them, and that’s ok.
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